Safety:
The state of being protected from danger or harm.
Comfort:
The state of being free from pain or constraint.
For many people, we live in an era of unprecedented safety. Well, at least it seems like we did. Things changed drastically through the pandemic as we saw hostility against different communities find their way to the streets.
We saw the death of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery and many more.
We saw the rise of anti-Asian hate attacks across North America.
We saw, and still see, the systemic dismantling of legislation protecting trans and queer people.
Where did this all come from? How did this happen?
While it’s tempting to think these are new issues, the reality for these communities is that they always faced violence that threatened their safety. QTBIPOC (Queer, Trans, Black, Indigenous, People of Colour) communities have always grappled with the fact that looking or acting 'different' came with its costs.
Imagine a doctor, or a lawyer, or a business executive.
Now, imagine a rapper, or a drag artist, or a sex worker.
Who does each look like in your mind? Who looks most ‘respectable’? Who is most beautiful?
As a trans woman working in the professional world, I very quickly came to realize that for most people, my beauty was determined by how comfortable they felt near me. When my hair was still short, my voice still low, and my chin still hairy, I struggled to connect with the people around me. In many interactions, it looked like I was causing them pain. They felt constrained to be around me because it was challenging to use the right pronouns. Being around me made them feel uncomfortable.
And so, I was rejected from jobs, friend groups, and ultimately, I was left isolated. According to a 2020 report by the National Academies of Sciences Engineering and Medicine, social isolation is highly associated with greater risks of heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety, and suicide. My social and financial wellbeing was directly harmed. I was not just uncomfortable, I was unsafe.
But then something started to happen. As my hair started to grow out, I learned to change my voice, and I began hormone therapy, everyone suddenly became much nicer to me. I was given more opportunities. I was trusted. I realized that for the first time in my life, I was ‘beautiful’. In this time, nothing changed in me intrinsically. I was still the same person, albeit in a different package, yet the shift I saw in other people’s behavior was life-changing..
The trouble is that in our brains, the feeling of comfort and safety both come from the same place. When we see new types of people or expressions, we become uncomfortable because we may not know how to respond. We’re being pushed out of our mental comfort zone, and it makes us feel unsafe, even if our body was never at risk of any real harm. Yet we fight back. Taking us all the way back to the question at the start of this blog. In a society that is supposed to be free, why are we seeing increases of violence against those already at the highest risk of financial, social, and political harm? Because the ‘beauty’ of our communities is one that is borne out of difference. What makes us beautiful is what makes others uncomfortable, in a world where your comfort so often means my safety.
I recently applied to a prestigious course at the university I go to. By the standard of the application, I was far more than qualified. However, in the interview I decided not to put on my ‘professional girl’ voice and challenged the course instructor about what he was doing to make the course meaningfully inclusive of people with different experiences. I made him uncomfortable. I was rejected.
When I emailed back to ask why I had been rejected, I was told that I would not “contribute to the psychological safety in the cohort required for complex discussion”. I replied asking him when the physical safety of my community would outweigh the psychological safety of those who never had to think about theirs. He has yet to reply. Fortunately, I have been through enough to know what makes me beautiful are not the scraps of praise I receive when I fit into the box of another's comfort. My beauty, and the beauty of my community, comes from the resilience we hold in ourselves to get up again and keep fighting for what we deserve anyway.
And you can bet I’m still fighting. We are still fighting.
The following is a poem I wrote in the wake of this incident and the loose inspiration for this blog.
Safety:
The state of being protected from damage or harm.
It's why we don't play with chainsaws, lest we accidentally lose an arm.
For the body is sacred, without it we have nothing.
For the body we block and barricade,
so we will not be battered or bruised.
When the body is in danger, it is shelter we find.
But if the body is safe, in what state is the mind.
Safety -
Psychological safety:
The state of being protected from damage or harm.
It's why we don't watch the news, lest we accidentally raise alarm.
For the mind is sacred, without it we might change.
For the mind we manage, manipulate,
so we will not be molded or moved.
When the mind has been challenged, it is comfort we find.
But if your mind is safe, in what state is mine?
Tired. My mind is tired.
As tired as the mountain climber who takes a painful dire breath,
so close to death, limbs gasping for strength to pull up over the edge
of what we think is finally the last length.
Yet our respite lasts as long as we keep our eyes closed, don't see how much further
we truly have to go. How much further we have to grow;
tired. My mind is tired.
It wants to give up on change.
But then, I hear my body call me to move.
It still yearns to be safe.
Do I cause you 'psychological damage'?
Does your mind feel in danger?
Do your ideas risk being harmed?
Do I make you feel "unsafe"?
Or
Do you simply feel uncomfortable to see the harm of your actions face to face?
Do you need a mental safe space?
Do I need to go find myself another place?
We are not toddlers,
we are the future leaders of this world.
When will the bruises on our bodies out bid the businesses that are building?
When will the blisters on our hands be enough for the ones who bequeath us all the building?
In your email you write, this course needs only 3 things:
A commitment to listening.
A commitment to empathy.
A commitment to personal growth.
And so I ask
Are you listening?
Can you empathize?
Are you committed to personal growth?
You better be.
It’s a new day; I'm climbing again.
Sincerely,
K
ABOUT THE AUTHOR - K (she/they)
I am a trans woman currently studying at the UBC Sauder School of Business, where I’ve led most of the school’s efforts of change toward a more inclusive culture of business. My journey with healing came at the same time as my journey with gender. As I realized that there was no reason I needed to be a boy, I began to see all the different ways my assumptions of masculinity and femininity were holding me hostage to a person I didn’t want to be. When I’m not tackling capitalism, I spend my time cooking international foods, laughing at myself, and writing poetry.
EMAIL hello@kysargeant.com
INSTAGRAM @itsanew_kay
WEBSITE kysargeant.com